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Dateline: LA Times, August 16, 2012
by U. B. Lieve, AP

Ontario, Canada.  A shocking new Canadian study (read story here) bolsters the long held belief by some that eating eggs (yolks specifically) is worse than smoking cigarettes. Egg yolks cause heart attacks and heart disease.  It is true, according the Dr. David Spence, a professor at Western University in Ontario, Canada.  This research directly contradicts recent thinking that moderate egg consumption has not been shown to contribute to heart disease.  Without going in to all the details of the study that can be found here, one very interesting revelation is discovered and emphasized in this writing.  Dr. Spence believes, “So we think that treating arteries instead of treating risk factors makes a big difference….” (2:12 of video)

In a related story, GoodRear Tire company is suing Big-D Tire and other named tire and auto shops in an effort to prevent them from balancing tires and aligning the wheels when installing or replacing new tires.  The lawsuit claims that replacing the tire is the solution to worn rubber; after all, that’s what happens when driving on roads over a long period of time, or when performing excessive donuts on the blacktop in Phoenix in August.  Aligning and balancing the tires is a risk factor that simply does not address the problem, which is worn tires.  Clearly, the answer is replacing with brand new tires before they wear down, says G. Reed representative from the tire manufacturer.  On the plaintiff’s side,  R.E. Tread, VP of Media Relations for Big-D Tire wants to ensure the public that they will continue aligning and balancing tires – even include proper inflation, for every customer during this unprecedented trial.  “It’s a terrible shame that a reputable company like that would risk the lives of motorists, just in the name of selling more tires,” he said.  More on this story from AP Newswire.

Bricktown, OK.  In an even bigger newstory breaking today a new study released by the Oklahoma Department of Energy and Research (O.D.E.A.R,) doctor’s and teams of researcher’s are now convinced that breathing will cause death.  In a study that encompassed over 224,000 deceased people surveyed, covering a span of 80 years, it was determined that in all but 2% of the cases, that everyone was breathing at the time of their death.  The other 2% were discounted due to drowning, suffocation or being buried alive.  The study also indicated that the test group, had a median age of 78.3 and all were certified to have been breathing their entire life, up until the moment of their death.  Unexpected data was uncovered as well.  Spokesperson RU S. Erious of ODEAR revealed “…that it did not matter the person’s lifestyle, diet, race, religion or any other factor. The only common factor was they all breathed.  We must therefore conclude that breathing causes death.” In a statement from W. “Hack” Amole,  the lawyer representing the 2.8 million remaining survivors writes: “We have a staff of undergraduates preparing court documents, and posthumous affidavits in preparation to bring a lawsuit against the manufacturer of air.  It’s unclear whether or not GOD will be called upon to testify.

It has come to the attention of this author that other examples are coming to light.  All with a common theme of treating the symptom and not the root cause.  Here are two recent  examples:

Recent study by AAA (Advanced Auto Addicts) recently concluded that changing the oil in your vehicle on a regular basis is frankly, a waste of time.  Improper maintenance of your vehicle is irrelevant it seems in this shocking new study.  A representative from the AAAA (Aluminum Assets Association Administration,) Hemi Block is claiming in this 10 year study that replacing heads, valves, pistons and transmissions(made from aluminum) is the only way to ensure the longevity of your vehicle.  Clyde the “Crusher” from Demolitions-R-US refused to comment, but did release this statement: “Keep ’em comin’….”

In a new announcement from the FDDA, a new pill has been developed and approved for people to be able to stop hair growth.  The revolutionary drug, if taken every six weeks for 9 consecutive days, will prevent hair growth AND miraculously, the need to go to a barbershop or hairdresser vanishes; you’ll never have to cut or style your hair again.  The magic of science continues to make great strides in the human condition.  No studies have been completed on the long term effect of the new drug, “Hairithone,” but this has been approved as “Safe to use.” (Label warning.)

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In all seriousness, this has been a paradoxical look at a for-real study that was recently released.  I believe this may indeed be the lightbulb moment that will hopefully spark some thoughtful debate about the state of our food, nutrition and the long term effects on our health.  Here are two serious looks at this new Canadian Study, really, no more spoofs:

Understand Nutrition and Mark’s Daily Apple.

Lastly, I spent literally five minutes on Google and the Web to reference and learn what I could in addition to what I already knew.  Of course the bulk of this post is a spoof, a parody to make fun of what I believe is a serious matter, revealing the state of our food and health industry.

Yes, it’s a lofty and wonderful goal to eliminate heart disease and heart attacks.  Please be warned, the solution of many is not prevention, but drugs and treatment of the symptom.  You can’t explain it any other way.  Here is the very “Mission” of the organization called S.H.A.P.E., Society for Heart Attack Prevention and Eradication.  It speaks for itself.

Please spread the word.